Story Summary:
When Theodred's true love comes to Edoras in
mourning, Eomer must deal with his own desires towards her. As her need
for his comfort increases, she must decide what role he will play in
her future. She betrays him with a lie that will change his life
forever but he must forgive her or sacrifice his happiness.
Warning: explicit consensual sex
Chapter Three
Learning to Live Alone
Amrun had not felt this vast emptiness until Grima had described Theodred as "the late Theodred."
Amrun glanced to her left and saw that Legolas had come up beside her as silently the wind blowing across the terrace.
“I was troubled for you when you left the celebration. I did not mean
to intrude on your thoughts,” Legolas said softly, watching her face.
Looking up at the cloudless sky, she whispered to him, “How do you
carry on through all of the death surrounding you and the loss of your
friends without letting the rage and sorrow shatter you into a million
pieces?”
“You have not been in this world of men long, having been sheltered by
the few that you knew. You have not seen that while there is great evil
in this world, there is also goodness worth fighting for. I do not
allow the evil to enter my heart but I too have felt the rage. My life
in Mirkwood has helped me quiet the storm. But you still have the fire
of youth and the wildness of being away from others for too long.” He
studied her delicate features and her eyes that were immersed in
sorrow. “Do you plan to go to one of the Elven realms when we ride to
Gondor?”
“I do not plan to stay in Edoras but know not where I will go.”
They turned to see Aragorn coming towards them.
“You will be safe in Mirkwood or Imladris,” Legolas assured her.
Turning to Aragorn, Legolas said, “We should send her there with the
hobbits away from this war. If we fail, there will be no place in
Middle-earth for her anyway. Lord Elrond or my father will take her to
the Undying Lands rather than see her die when the evil of Mordor
spreads. She belongs with the elves; she is one of us. She needs to
know of the goodness of elves rather than just see the evil that
spreads from Mordor.”
Nodding, Aragorn said, “You are right Legolas. You will take her and the hobbits tomorrow.”
“No, my lord. His place is with you. I will not allow him to leave your
side. When you ride to war, send me with someone else to Imladris or
Mirkwood, which ever is safest. You must follow your destiny as much as
everyone else. You need Legolas and Gimli as much as you need Éomer and
King Theoden to fight with you. You destiny does not involve caring for
me as if I were a child. I am not your burden to bear.”
“If that is what you wish, I cannot refuse. Thank you Legolas for your
wisdom. Now let us get some sleep, it has been a long day and this may
be the last time we sleep before it is time to ride out again. I bid
you goodnight, Legolas and Amrun.”
With that, and a boyish grin, Aragorn kissed her hand. Legolas smiled
at her. Aragorn patted Legolas on the shoulder and went inside. She
turned back to looking out over the plains of Rohan bathed in the soft
light of the moon. She did not know when Legolas had left her because
all was silent except for the cheerful sounds of the hall. She knew not
how long she stood there, so deep were her thoughts. As the sounds from
the hall lessened then finally ended, she heard Aragorn’s voice.
Turning, she saw him speaking with Legolas again on the other side of
the porch. Suddenly, she felt dread and fear wash over her and she
shivered, wrapping her arms around herself as if it would protect her
from the evil she felt invading the very air around them. Disturbed,
she went back to her room.
When she awoke the next morning, Gandalf and Pippin had departed to
ride to Minas Tirith. Everyone, tense with anticipation, waited to see
what was to happen next.
Over the following days, Amrun spent time acquainting herself with
everyone, overwhelmed with the kindness she received from the very
people she thought would reject her. Amrun felt she already knew Eowyn,
for Theodred and Eomer often spoke of the White Lady of Rohan. So Amrun
was hardly surprised that she and Eowyn became fast friends.
At times, she would feel Éomer’s eyes on her, but when she turned to
look at him, he would walk away. King Theoden looked at her often as if
he wanted to say something but he rarely spoke to her. Even though she
was not feeling the sting of rejection, she felt uncomfortable as if
her very presence hurt both the king and Éomer. She longed for the days
when she would laugh with Theodred and Éomer.
Amrun was sitting by herself on the outside steps watching from a
distance Éomer and Aragorn teaching Merry how to wield a sword
properly. She often would watch Éomer but she kept her distance knowing
how distant they had quickly become. Her heart ached for the loss of
him as much as Theodred.
As a shadow fell on the porch beside her, Amrun looked up shading her
eyes from the sun to see who had come to talk to her. King Theoden
looked down at her and smiled gently.
“Amrun, are you well?”
“Yes, I am well,” she answered him not knowing what more to say. Once again, they were silent.
“I miss him,” the king said after some time.
“As do I.”
“Every time I look at you, I wish I had known. I wish my son had felt
confident that I would accept you into my home because he loved you if
for no other reason. If you had been a dwarf, I would have been happy
just to see him in love.”
Even as tears filled her eyes, Amrun let out a small laugh.
“I feel as if I have failed him because I have rarely been a father to
him. I was more a king to a Marshall of the Mark than I ever was a
father to Theodred since his mother died. There was so much of his
mother in him: his smile, his eyes, his dark hair, all reminders of my
wife. Even as a king, I failed him when he saw me weak, a lesser man,
under the hold of Saruman. In his last days, he saw his king fall into
nothingness and his father abandon him. Now it is too late to tell him
how much I love him.”
“He knew. He always knew,” she smiled. “In his last days, he was
concerned for you but he never doubted your love for him nor did he
think ill of you in any way. He often told me what a great man you
were: a caring father, an honorable king. There were never any
accusations of failure or abandonment towards you, only love. ”
Gazing at her, Theoden smiled as he said, “Your smile warms my heart. I
fear I have seen little happiness in my halls since everyone was much
younger and less burdened.” Suddenly shy, she lowered her head and he
looked away back over the plains.
After a few moments, the king turned to her and said, “Aragorn has told
me that you did not wish to say in Rohan, feeling you had nothing here
but ghosts. I vow to you, no matter the outcome, you will always be
welcome in these halls. Do not yet give up hope on an old king. I will
welcome you into my house as a daughter as you were the love of my
son.” He turned to her and smiled as tears filled her eyes.
“My son chose well.”
Theoden walked away slowly. She wiped the tears away as the men continued their swordplay.
The next day, Amrun was sitting with Éowyn and Legolas in the great
hall. The two women talked while Legolas waited for Aragorn. Éowyn had
been asking about the time she had spent with the farmer. Amrun had
stopped abruptly when she discussed the last day before she was taken.
Eowyn became quiet for some time. After a few minutes, she looked at
Amrun, feeling perhaps that she wanted to talk about the issue more but
was scared to open up to anyone.
"They say you were held in the Orthanc," Eowyn said trying to lead her to open up.
Amrun nodded. She knew the next question even before it was asked, and she did not welcome it.
"But why? Why would Saruman torment a simple elf? You were no threat to him, you have no armies or magic….."
"No," Amrum replied sadly. "But Saruman discovered, perhaps through
Grima, that I held a more precious thing: the love of Rohan's future
king. I was to have been bait, to lure Theodred to his death or
betrayal."
Amrun’s voice dropped into a whisper. "And now, it appears, Saruman's
plan has worked. Theodred is gone along with all of the men that
followed him that day."
Legolas turned and watched her. Eowyn was quiet feeling sad for
Theodred and regret for pushing Amrun to speak of it. After a moment,
Amrun excused herself and left the hall swiftly as tears streamed down
her face.
“Amrun.”
Amrun turned to see Legolas and she tried to wipe the tears from her
cheeks. When he came closer, she could see he was looking her in a soft
and tender way.
“Amrun, I see the guilt you carry and it is wrong to bear this as your own.”
Amrun gave a little bitter laugh. “Perhaps I should feel lucky that he
loved me enough to come after me with his men and be slaughtered for
it. I am sure their families would be glad to know that the men died,
not for a noble cause, but for me. If they had known it was for a mere
elleth, they would have still followed him because they trusted him,
they respected him, and they would die for him. But they didn't die for
him; they died because of me. Explain to me how I could feel anything
but guilt, Legolas. Their blood will forever stain my hands. As will
Theodred’s.”
Amrun turned to flee the hall but Legolas grabbed her arm. Turning her around, he looked deep into her eyes.
“This is through no fault of your own. Many people have died for the
evil that we now battle. Theodred loved you. Yes, he came after you.
But you know as do I, if one of his men had come to him with same
problem, Theodred would have gone to Orthanc as well. From what I have
heard of him, he would have gone for loyalty and with valor into any
fight. Would you have preferred he betray his very being and not
attempt to rescue you? If Theodred were standing before you now, would
he say he would rather die with honor than live in shame of his
weakness?”
As she began to sob deeply, Legolas took her in his arms and stroked
her hair lightly. Unknown to either of them, Éomer had just come into
the hall. He stopped short seeing Legolas holding her. Anger filled him
as he walked quietly into the shadows to observe them. Legolas looked
in his direction as if he had heard him but looked back to Amrun. Éomer
watched the two elves and soon realized that Legolas was comforting
her. Éomer felt the anger pushed out of him by the guilt that she no
longer could to come to him for comfort. He had abandoned her when she
needed him out of shame for his lack of control. Once again, Legolas
looked in Éomer’s direction. Éomer knew that Legolas knew he was there
but neither said anything. He watched as Legolas walked with her into
the great hall.
Leaning back against the wall, Éomer wondered what to do. He wanted to
go to her, to comfort her. But he did not want to upset her further. He
suspected that she still feared he might take advantage of her grief,
and so far he had not given her any reason to believe he would not.
Éomer walked back onto the terrace and watched her walk with Legolas to
the entrance gates. Looking down at the ground, he knew where she was
going.
Legolas showed her to Theodred’s final resting place then moved off far
enough away to give her some time to herself. When she looked up, he
had turned away out of respect, as she knew he would have. Sitting
there on the ground, she realized she did not know what to say or do.
She could not imagine Theodred dead. He had such a powerful life force,
she could not believe he was gone. She wished Éomer were here with her.
He would know what to say to make her feel at peace. Tears overflowed
her eyes with her loss. The one man alive who knew her as he did stayed
away from her because she could not return his love. But she did love
him. And she needed him to help her through this. Legolas was a
wonderful support to her but it was Éomer she needed now. Only he could
help heal her heart and put the pieces of her life back together.
Amrun heard Legolas moving away and looked up. Éomer was walking
towards her. The sun was behind him and it fell on his hair in a way
that made it seem golden. With his hair loose and the wind blowing
through it, he seemed so young. She could see the sadness in the very
way he moved and she started crying harder seeing the sorrow in him as
well. Walking over, he sat down beside her and pulled her into his arms
and held her tightly. They did not speak. The only sounds were her
light cries. The sun began sliding down from the sky and still he held
her as she felt safe and no longer alone. After a time, he pulled her
away from him. She could see tears in his eyes as well but none had
fallen. Lightly, he wiped away the tears on her cheeks then leaned
forward to kiss her on the forehead.
“Amrun, listen to me,” Éomer said sternly, forcing her to look at him.
“Theodred would not want this. He would not want your guilt or your
sorrow to overwhelm you. He would want you to live your life with only
loving memories of the time you had with him. If he saw you now, it
would devastate him to see these tears. You have cried now and you will
continue to hurt, but you cannot let this consume you.”
Gently, he cupped her face. “Amrun, you must go on living. No tears
will bring him back. I will stay here with you as long as you need but
when we leave this site you will leave the guilt behind with him, as he
would want it. Some day you will leave the sorrow behind as well but
you will not take your guilt from this spot. If we must stay here all
night, I will not let you burden yourself with the guilt anymore.”
Éomer pulled her closer to him and held her tenderly. As she wept, he
stroked her hair, every once in a while he would caress her cheek
lovingly. As the sun set he pulled her onto his lap and held her
enclosed in the warmth of his body as a light breeze ran over them.
When she finally stopped crying, he spoke to her in hushed tones of
reasons why she needed to go on living. She sat quietly with her head
resting against his chest listening to the beat of his heart, feeling
soothed by the sound of his voice and peaceful wrapped in his arms.
Even as it became darker, they stayed together until finally Éomer sat
her up and looked at her as the moonlight fell across her face.
“Amrun, do you remember what I have said about leaving your guilt
behind?” He said and she nodded. “I will stay with you longer if you
wish it, if you cannot leave here unburdened.”
Leaning forward, she kissed him lightly then put her head on his shoulder wrapping her arms around his neck.
“Éomer, I am glad you came here. I cannot make it through this without
you. If I lose you, I have nothing,” she whispered, so softly he could
barely hear her.
Éomer ached inside. He knew what the coming days would bring and he
could not promise her that she would not lose him as well. Aragorn had
told him about her going to Rivendell or Mirkwood. The thought of her
being elsewhere hurt him deeply but he did not know what would become
of her in Rohan, if he were gone. Even though she had become friends
with the others, she clung to him and he knew this. He did not know how
many more people she could lose before she stopped living herself.
Hugging her tightly, he whispered in her ear, “Even if you did not have
me, you would always have yourself. You are too strong to let anything
defeat you. You know that one day I will not be here and I need to know
you will be strong. There are others who care about you as well.
Legolas will far outlast us so you need to go to him if you do not have
me. He will take care of you.”
Pulling away, she whispered, “I care about Legolas but you know me more
than any other person. I do not wish to be cared for as a child. I need
someone who loves me because he knows me, not because of an obligation
he feels to me.” She stroked his bearded cheek and smiled. “I never
would have thought that two arrogant riders would affect my life so
deeply.”
Éomer smiled and kissed her on the forehead again. “It is you that affected our lives, Amrun.”
Both were quiet as she lightly traced his brow with her fingertips. She
pulled back the hair blowing in his face. When she realized what she
was doing and how intimate it was, she stopped suddenly and looked at
him but his eyes were closed. Feeling the heat of a blush rising to her
face, she looked away quickly. When she looked back, he was looking at
her intensely. For a long moment neither moved nor broke eye contact.
Finally remembering where they were, she looked away pushing back the
other thoughts in her mind.
Softly, he said “Do you wish to stay or are you ready to go back?”
“We should go back. The others will worry.” Amrun started to get up, but he pulled her back down.
“This is not about the others. We will not leave unless we leave your guilt of Theodred’s death behind.”
Quietly, she said, “Perhaps it is not his death that makes me feel
guilt now. Perhaps it is my betrayal of him that makes me feel guilt.”
Éomer was silent. He had barely heard her over the wind. His heart and
his body screamed out for her but his mind warned him that now was not
the time if there ever was a time. She had turned away so he could only
see her profile. Putting his hand on her cheek, he pulled her close to
him and kissed her cheek facing him. Pulling her back to nestle her
face against his shoulder, he sighed.
“Amrun, you have not betrayed him.”
After awhile, she stood up. Looking down at him, she said, “I am ready now.”
Standing up, he put his arm around her and kissed the top of her head.
She shivered slightly in the breeze so he left his arm around her as
they walked back into Meduseld.